Bury My Heart Beneath My Old Irish Pride Shirts

By Gerald Kent


The following account is a true story that happened to me last year on Saint Patrick's Day. The story is short and sweet, so no need to go get popcorn or take a bathroom break. It involves a lovely young lady, terrible choices, Saint Patrick's Day, ridiculous Irish tee shirts, and my inevitable lonely death.

The specific thing that I lost because of my silly Irish tees is a woman. This is not just any woman, but the girl that I had been crushing on ever-so-hard in my office building for something like 3 years. I would usually only see her in the morning as we rode the elevator up to our respective jobs. Long red hair, freckles, and a smile to die for.

All it takes for a bit of dating success is initiative sometimes, my friends. Sometimes you're practically half-asleep riding the elevator up and instead of saying your normal "hello" to this girl you like so much, you say something impulsive like, "It would be really great if we could go out on a date!" Yeah, it was lame because it rhymed like a Dr. Suess poem. Despite my lameness, she actually agreed!

Since I'm terrible at forward-thinking at 8 in the morning, I forgot completely about St. Patrick's Day being on the same day we planned to meet for dinner and drinks. I was miserable, because there was no way I was going to miss out on my date with this girl! Of course, there's also no way I'm backing out on my yearly bar-hopping with friends in our Irish drinking shirts. I had to figure out how to do both.

I have to warn you that I am a complete moron, so please refrain from emailing me and telling me so. I tell myself all the time. Saying that, here's my imperfect plan to celebrate the greatness of St. Patrick's Day and the wonders of a new date. I figured in my very weak brain that I could possibly do both. The way I planned on accomplishing this feat would be to get ready in my awesome Irish tees before the date, so I would be ready to go right to the bar after dinner. How could this go wrong?

I showed up to the restaurant wearing crazy Irish tshirts, a big green hat in the shape of a shamrock, and a million buttons with various Irish slogans on them. Needless to say, my friends and I go a little nuts every year. I could tell by the looks on my dear date's face when she showed up that she didn't think I was "cute" at all. She looked embarrassed and annoyed mostly.

I don't have to mention that she never accepted one of my many attempts at a second date. I did have a great night after the date, though...so there's some silver lining to that terrible life-lesson I learned that day. Take it from me, friends: girls don't think that silly Irish t-shirts are as awesome as you do, even on St. Patrick's Day.




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